The person who made me the mother and wife I am today

My mom is a very special woman her name is Libe Roldan. She is the woman that raised me like her own. The parent I owe for growing up learning how to be a wife and mom.

I should give some background. My mom Magdelena Dempsey was a beautiful woman as well. My mom had a rough life coming up in Germany during the war. She came to the U.S when she was 17. Her and my Oma came and made a life for themselves. She met my dad and the rest is history. She had been hit by a car when I was 4 causing her to have severe brain damage as well as be a quadriplegic for the rest of her years.

My sweet Oma (granny) tried her best to keep her home and care for her but it was too hard. It was round the clock care. My da and my mom had divorced long before any of this, so it wasn’t expected for him to care for her.

My mom wound up passing 25 yrs later in a nursing home. It was a tragic life to say the least. From a war zone to a nursing home just doesn’t seem fair. Don’t misunderstand, my Da did bring us to see her on the regular and on the holidays. But it still was a very sad existence.

I remember as a little girl going to visit her and being terribly anxious. It was a lot to take in for a little girl and always left me sad having to leave her there.

I remember when I was 7 my Da told me and Trisha (moonie) that he met a lady he really liked and he wanted us to meet her.

The weekend he brought us to her house I wound up with fever and getting very sick. As soon as she saw I was sick she took over and mothered me. Gave me a cool bath to bring down my fever and fed me.

She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. I was floored. Her apartment was beautiful and so clean you could eat off the floors. I knew this is how I wanted to be when I grew up.

My Da and Lee married, I was ecstatic!! They had a beautiful wedding. I was elated. I had a mom to take care of me again, and take care of me she did. She taught me all of the important things. I still remember the expressions she’d tell me. “Sandy you get more flies with honey than with vinegar”. And so on and so forth.

Even when I was a hellion as a teenager she loved me through it. I was quite the live wire, I got sassy with my Da a time or two but never dared cross that line with Lee. She was a strong mom and a strong woman. Just the person I knew I wanted to be like

She made sure I always looked nice and behaved like a lady. She is very much a lady. A Christian lady. We ( my sissy’s and me ) always say from Lee’s mouth to gods ear I still firmly believe this.

She taught me religion, I was raised Pentecostal. I know you’re all saying what? Alex curses like a sailor. This is true I do but I do believe strongly in God above. Without her teaching me religion I don’t know how I would have gotten through the past 14 yrs. Between MS and Bobs death if I didn’t have religion I surely wouldn’t have made it.

it’s been a hard go to say the least. I have to say when times get tough and I’m struggling, I can call her cry it out and feel better. When I talk to her it’s like going to church.

When I tell her how thankful I am she raised me, she’s so humble, she always says all the glory to God Sandy.

So today was a rough day my Neice Melissa told me grandma was rushed to the hospital because her BP was through the roof.

I have to admit I almost lost my shit but I remembered what she taught me. I pulled out my bible (which I don’t do nearly enough) and I prayed and cried. Thankfully she got clearance to go home. They added another BP Med to her other BP meds but as long as she’s ok that’s all that matters.

My Neice Melissa FaceTimed me so I could video chat with them. As soon as I saw my moms face I started crying and she started crying. I love her so much. It never fails anytime I talk to her I turn into a little girl again and that’s ok because she’s my mom.

I’ll end this entry with I’m grateful and glory to God she got through ok:)

The good,the bad and the ugly….

I start with the title above because I posted this on my FB.

Hubby gave me the best compliment ever! Me: how do you put up with my hateful ass?

Lance: you keep me very well fed, always make me laugh and I love you.

If I do anything, I want to always make him laugh and keep his belly full❤️

I don’t want to make like everything was always this way. It wasn’t. If I do anything I’m going to give the full scoop. My sweetie and I wasn’t always these people. We was for quite a while the very opposite of these people. We drank too much and didn’t appreciate each other at all. When we decided to get married I think maybe it was because we both had been lonely. He was newly divorced and in my case Bob had died several years prior. I was very lonely, don’t get me wrong I dated a lot and had a big time being single. But with all the dating and partying it was still a lonely life. The kids had their lives and I had mine.

Lance and I jelled right away, having a blast and partying way too much.We enjoyed each others company immensely.  It made sense to both of us to marry. I admit being sick with MS made me feel less than. I knew I brought something to the table and know I’m a good woman but with Ms lingering in the background it leaves a foreboding feeling.  Even though he was a great guy and was pledging his love daily I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring. I was afraid he’d see me get really sick and leave. This left me anxious and always thinking something was going to go wrong in our relationship, or he’d leave when shit got real.

He didn’t know that when I go to the dr. I expect him to at least offer to come with, because it lets me know he cares. Just an FYI, this is important when you have a spouse with a chronic illness. It lets them know that you WANT to be involved in their care. We want our spouse to be curious, do research and take a vested interest in our care. After all we may depend on that in years to come I also admit I held him to unreal expectations.

Bob and I had a really good marriage. I was spoiled rotten. I still am but it took time for Lance to know the little things that I love. In his defense I hadn’t really given him a chance to know the real Alex because I wasn’t really past grieving the loss of Bob and was afraid to really let my guard down. I tell anyone that suffers a loss of that magnitude to get grief counseling. I wound up eventually getting grief counseling and getting through it. But not before Lance and I came really close to divorce.

We literally went toe to toe on several occasions. Neither of us was in the right on any of those occasions. Everyone that knows me knows I have a hot temper and don’t mind scrapping. Am I proud of that?  No not at all. I am embarrassed for my past behavior, and he is of his. We both was terrible to each other. I was shitty to him and he was shitty to me.

Trust me neither of us was a victim. In his defense he never had a good marriage and wasn’t familiar with a true partnership. Where as I was and wasn’t willing to settle for anything less. We split for a couple of months and we both realized how much we truly loved each other. It was work getting passed all the hurt we both caused each other. It was work but it was worth it. Marriage in general is work, even when both parties are healthy, much less one being sick. We worked hard to get where we are and I’m glad we made the effort. With all that I’m going to say we’re far from the perfect couple and I’m sure we’ll have arguments in the future. But we will NEVER be the people we had been in the past.  So I leave this entry with be kind to each other. Talk to each other. And always be silly and make your partner laugh. They will appreciate it.25445934_10154919301961945_470279413744018671_n.jpg25445939_10154919302006945_6004188623556639863_n.jpg

Steroids and MS

img_5596So I did a round of steroids last week. They really didn’t do anything but I was holding out hope. While on them I notice a burning while peeing. A UTI, fun times I tell ya.

With us MSers UTI’s are a thing a dangerous thing. They are common to us because our bladder doesn’t empty completely. This happens to me a lot. Causing me to always feel like I have to pee. It bites and can be painful, the painful part is a pain in the ass. But it being dangerous is more unnerving than anything.

Why UTIs Are More Serious if You Have MS

If left untreated, the bacteria can pass from the bladder up the ureters and into the kidneys, leading to a far more serious infection. In fact, UTIs are the most common reason for people with MS to be admitted to the hospital. Unfortunately, even a mild bladder infection can trigger a cascade of inflammation within the body, aggravating spasticity, and causing a relapse. In addition to this, the relapse may be more severe than usual and last longer. For this reason, recurrent infections may even be associated with the progression of neurological symptoms. Because of all of this, it’s important not to dismiss bladder changes or even blame feeling tired as “just another annoying MS symptom.”

Urinary tract infections: MS almost always creates havoc with bowel and/or bladder function.  It doesn’t take much for a UTI to develop from urinary retention, frequency or urgency – all very common problems with MS.  UTI’s are known to cause pseudo-exacerbations, and if left untreated, a UTI can quickly turn into sepsis – an infection in the blood stream that can harm our internal organs and cause death. Sepsis must be treated quickly and aggressively, and it requires the patient to be able to articulate the problems they feel in their body long before they become apparent to a doctor..

Above was part of an article written by Laura Kolaczkowski regarding the death of Annette Funicello

With all of that we have to be super vigilant about making sure we keep clear of these. With nerve damage it’s hard to Gauge. I personally wait until it becomes serious enough to require antibiotics as well as steroids. If I was more on top of it, I wouldn’t require steroids as well as antibiotics . Do as I say not as I do and all that jazz.

So I did last weeks steroids and then realized maybe this burning while I pee is the reason I’m flaring. Mind you this has happened in the past. I do know better.

My dr gave me meds for both. The steroids are starting to work and I’m on the mend.

I’m hoping I can rehab enough, not to have to depend on my walker. The cane is crippled enough for this girl. I will push through this BS as I always do. With a smile on my face and my head held high.

My kids always joke that I’m a G (gangster). I always want to be that woman in their eyes. The gangster that never quit. I hope I can always keep up the front. It’s important that they have a strong role model. I always want to be that for them.

So here I am being a G like always and keeping on with the keeping on.

My group is doing great. Did a live feed with my girl graceful not. Love her. She’s a wild woman,much like myself. I truly think we’re doing good things in the group. Bringing laughter and inspiration to others is a worthy cause if ever there was. The ever faithful public servant. Trying to do my part in this crazy world. Just because I’m for all intents and purposes a recluse doesn’t mean I can’t be a productive member of society.

I end this entry with do a good deed, it’s a great feeling. Happy Thursday folks.

MS,mobility and becoming a hermit and staying present….

I start this entry with the title above because it’s quite a tricky maneuver.  I didn’t realize how tricky until my mobility started getting funky yet again. I did a round of steroids last weak because I just felt off kilter. Vision issues, weakness etc. I took that round hoping I would head it off at the pass. No such luck. My dr’s calling me in more today as well as a script for antibiotics. I think I may have a UTI going on.

Yesterday I had my son pull my walker out of the garage because I’m feeling very weak. I don’t think my cane would be enough support right now. I truly hate using this device, but sometimes it’s a necessary evil. He pulls it out and I cleaned it up.

Lance and I went to the store yesterday to pick up groceries. Yeah I got the pity look because of the walker, yes I shot back with dirty looks. I try to be a pleasant person, but sometimes the bitch comes back to the surface. We got through Walmart and went home. Lance cooked dinner since I’m really not up to stand by the stove. I do the most of the cooking, but when I’m having a hard time he always steps up to the plate. We’re a true blue team at this point. We wasn’t always but are now and I’m thankful.

With mobility issues it makes it so much harder to do simple tasks. Just going to the grocery store was a chore. Had to fold up the walker, then unfold it etc. I told Lance he’d have been better off going without me. He said no he likes for me to be with him. But I know it has to be a pain in the ass to have to do all that extra for me.

Came home and realized I missed a call from my mom. She’s my step mom but I never thought of her as a step parent. I love her so much. I call her back and talk with her. I started crying. With me feeling poorly and talking to her it brought me right back to being a little girl needing her mom. She is such a calming presence, I talk to her and felt better about things. She told me she’s praying for me. I always say from Lee’s mouth to Gods ear. It means a lot that she keeps me in prayer.

I got up today fed my pups and headed back to bed. I’m give out tired lately. I went back to sleep and woke feeling a little better. I got up and did a LIVE video in my group. I was in my jammies and looked like hell, but I feel its important to stay present. If anything it lifted my spirits to talk to my friends. I don’t think people put enough importance into being present. If we don’t do this the disease wins. It steals our life. I’ll be God damned if that happens to me! I conversed with my buds and was in a better mood after doing it.

The above video is an older one, but you get the point.

A girlfriend of mine thats also in my group did a LIVE video. She did great! She has a dynamic personality and is very much a straight shooter, like myself. I was so excited to see her! That also brightened my spirits.

My point to all of this is stay present. If you are having mobility issues, be part of a group. You have to get out of the house if anything do it on the computer.Just that little interaction did wonders for my mood. 27336708_2004180019820979_4707749854318528826_n

Happy Tuesdays folks! Make it a great one!

Super Bowl Sundayyy

So it was super bowl Sunday. Do I care? Absolutely freaken not. But my hubby gets into it so ya know……

There’s are things I cook on most super bowl Sundays. I wasn’t planning on doing any of it, but changed my mind. The family loves those snacks, so what the hell. After all I did get out of the house on Friday quite a bit and spent Saturday recovering from that. So on Sunday I got up,showered, put on my face and took the pic above for my chronic illness support group.

We do Saturday and Sunday selfies. After all who doesn’t love a selfie? I love seeing their faces. I like it because I think it makes things a little more personal. So selfie done and I carry on with my day.

My son buys the ingredients for my finger foods I make on this very important day<- insert snark here. I did revise some of what I make because the kids are vegetarian these days. Got everything going and laid on the couch.

I was doing ok. I slept good the night before. I put doterra copaiba oil on my legs and I didn’t have near the nerve pain at night. Woot woot.

I felt pretty good, I attempted to vacuum but got so winded I had to stop. Luckily my hubby is a team player and took over. You know….4 dogs and all leaves a lot of dog hair. I had to lay down and rest. So rest it was.

I got a message from one of the gals in the group. She’s a sweet girl I’ve known forever. She suffers with RA. This literally hurts my heart that she’s so young and has to deal with this. I have to say she handles it with grace and a smile. She has a very good support system. Her parents are lovely people that I’ve known forever from when I sold cars.

She’s messaged me to let me know she was doing a LIVE video in the group. Go Kristen!!!!! I was stoked. I’ve done several and have been encouraging everyone to do one. She did great!

It wound up being really good weather. I wanted to enjoy the day, but stamina was not my friend yesterday so it was a rest and see kind of day. I spent the day wall walking around the house and leaning on the counters because I was really weak.

Apparently the steroids didn’t do that much for me this time.

Lance and David kept saying lay down, rest. My thinking was how am I supposed to rebuild my stamina if I just lay around? See that tricky bitch MS makes it to where when you try to rehab and build back what you’ve lost it can work against you. Causing you to feel worse. This has always been a problem for me. Should I push myself or not? I usually do and then suffer for it.

Yesterday I decided to try and chill. My get up and go, got up and went. I was nauseas as usual and didn’t have an appetite. On days like that I have to force myself to eat. Remember what I’ve said in the past. Don’t envy the skinny girl, she may be sick. But I had slept the night before so I can’t complain. Life is still good.

I realized I felt very much like I did last year this time. The time of the horrible flare. God I hope this isn’t a pattern. Not sure I could hang with this every year.

Later in the evening baby Jake came over for snacks. He was impressed as was David and Lance with my vegetarian chili dip. It was the first time I’d made it without meat. It was really good. I will be doing that again.

Jake was telling me about his new responsibilities being a manager at the wine bar he works at. He was a happy little camper. We all sat around in the kitchen talking. I enjoyed it quite a bit. We are a lively and animated group.

When all of a sudden Hammbone Jenkins III and Mr.Wiggles tie up. Let me tell you when they fight it’s like clash of the titans. It seems like this is a thing with them on Super Bowl Sunday.

A couple of years ago Lance and I had a super bowl party in Tallahassee. His friends came over,I cooked. It was fun. I had several people tell me how well behaved the dogs are, they must have heard and said we’ll show them. Because they did. They locked up bigger than shit.

Last night was the same, clash of the titans. Daisy and Sampson was in their kennels poor Sampson got very vocal during the whole thing. It was like he was saying. Guys calm down. He was panicked. Poor boy.

Baby Jake got very upset over this. He thinks this is because I have 4 dogs. This is not the case. They have had dust ups over the years that baby Jake apparently has forgotten. He doesn’t realize I have 4 dogs because Hamm and Wiggles are getting old. Hoping I have them a while longer, but we’re all going to kick at some point. I just want them to help train the newbies.

I woke feeling like I ran a marathon last night, so I’m going to rest yet again. I had a gyno appointment today, but didn’t have the energy to go. I had some precancerous growths removed last year so they want to keep up with that. That’s great they’re so diligent, but stirrups was not in my plan today.

The week isn’t starting out great but I’m sure that’s going to change. It always does.

Positive things happen to positive people so let’s get this Monday going folks. Do something nice for someone. It will make a difference and make you feel good as well. Happy Monday folks❤️

MS Badass

As I lay here in my bed writing my blog I think, yeah, even though I’m laying here because I hardly slept last night from nerve pain, I’m still an MS bad ass.

I use the term MS badass vs MS Warrior because I’m pretty sure I was a bad ass right out of the birth canal. Then I happened to get MS. I’m not a warrior because I’m not fighting MS I’m working with what I have to make my days as good as they can possibly be. No fight there I’m still a badass and rocking the shit out of MS.

But I’m sure some look at it differently. Some like the term MS warrior because they feel they’re fighting for their life. I get it. I am a different bird, after all if we was all the same it would be a really boring world.

I’ve seen in several groups where people posting about their MS tattoos. I have a tat with my kids name on it. I like tattoos but now that I’m older I steer clear of them only because there’s nothing that I want on my body that isn’t there already. In one of my groups I liked a lady’s MS tattoo but told her I wouldn’t go that route because MS has tattooed my ass more than I really want already. I don’t want to give MS any credit for making me the person I am.

That and I hate the pity look people give when they find out I have it. I hate pity. It’s not my gig at all. So I’m not going to advertise the situation. Don’t get me wrong I’m very passionate about educating people about the disease I just don’t need to spend any more money on that tricky bitch than I already do. But to each his own. I don’t knock anyone for doing their thing. It’s just not my thing.

So yesterday was a good day. Saw the eclipse then went and played some golf. I was able to do 7 of the 9 holes we paid for. Lance did the full 18. I admit I was a little disappointed because last week I was able to pull off 18 holes and I had a killer game. Yesterday was just a rough day with fatigue,dizziness etc. Anyone that knows me knows I’m a tight wad so it killed me to pay for 9 holes and only do 7. But I have to listen to my body. I only had so many spoons to work with.

So This month I’ll have not worked for a full year. Anyone that knows me knows this really was the hardest thing I’ve dealt with since that last big flare. I’m a busy girl I like activity. I LOVED my job. It was actually my retirement job of sorts.

I used to be a 911 operator/police and fire dispatcher. I was quick AF nothing got past me. I did a good job even earning officer of the Year one year. This was a huge honor because I wasn’t an actual officer with standards, but I was a telecommunications officer. It was a great job, I made some really good friends there.

I remember when my hubby Bob passed and my officers all showed up in their dress blues. It meant so much to me for them to be there. There was standing room only at his funeral. He was loved by many and a great man.

When Lance and I met and got engaged I left the Pd and moved to Tally. I didn’t care for that area, no matter how long I was there it never felt like home, so we moved back. Back to the old house, the house I raised my boys in. The house Bob passed in. It’s an old house and we’re remodeling it constantly. It’s home and it feels good to be back.

When I came back I wound up getting a job at the airport as a telecommunications officer again. I dispatched police and fire as well as monitored alarms etc. it was a dream job. No 911 calls. No panicked mothers screaming on the other end because their child wasn’t breathing. No more car roll overs. None of it. It was chill as can be. I was working with the creme de la creme of dispatch for the area. I used to joke and say it was where dispatch goes to die. It was a great job, I loved it! I even handled a plane crash. It was a private plane and nothing too major, they totaled the plane, but got out unscathed. But I have to admit I wonder if that really scary call pushed me into that monster of a flare. Stress is hell on MS. I was lucky to be able to dispatch for all those years, without it becoming an issue sooner. I’m blessed. I do miss it, but it’s my time to rest. I feel like I’ve done my service for the community and I’m good with that.

I’ll leave this entry Happy Thursday everyone. Make it a great one and as always keep it positive ❤️

The tough conversations

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As you guys that follow my blog know, I had a really rough MS day yesterday and the day prior. Today wasn’t so bad, except for some dizziness,losing my breath and the normal spasms blah, blah, blah This past weekend was jammies and slippers for the most part. I did get out one day and had a good time. But it did end with more of the same. Not being negative or looking for pity. I’m pretty good about willing myself out of a funk as you all now. Like I’ve said before, this is a conscious effort. Yesterday was rough, but I made the most out of it that I could.

I got up, showered, dressed and did  my make up.  I did a live FB video that was fun, even if I was awkward and nervous. It was my first one and I didn’t want to make an ass out of myself in my chronic illness support group. It’s fairly new and taking off really well. I didn’t want to ruin it’s early success by putting my foot in my mouth. I tend to talk without thinking at times. This can be an issue and a little embarrassing.

The spasms and malaise continued through my day yesterday. When I go through a rough couple of MS days it tends to make me cranky. I was still positive, just had a lingering feeling that something feels off the past couple of days.

My hubby came home, I tried to tell him things, ya know normal conversation. I was having a hard time thinking. Cognitive issue suck! I looked ok, but my brain told another story, as did my speech. I was struggling for words getting frustrated and just stressing MS. This is NOT a good thing. Stress leads to a flare up, it’s very much a snow ball effect. I do my level best to stay clear of stress.

I have pseudo flares sometimes. Pseudo flares are minor or even false flares. Can’t go running off to the dr. for steroids every time that happens (even if I do love them, because they give me a false sense of well being).

Steroids lead to bone density issues as well as dental issues. I love my pearly whites, so I’m very careful not to do too many steroids. I usually wait it out, to see if my feeling bad is a legit flare or a pseudo flare.

I felt pretty damn good today (with the exception of some dizziness and being winded on occasion). I did another live video, even dusted the house and vacuumed.

Four pups means I vacuum daily. If I do nothing else it’s vacuum. Even when I feel so bad that I don’t shower I or Lance vacuum the house.

So I felt pretty good. Still having a hell of a time with some cognitive issues etc. That settles it, I called my dr. for oral steroids. Hopefully that helps. Not really feeling I.V infusions, so I’m going for oral.

I call my dr. and had a hell of a time relaying that I needed steroids called in. That sneaky bitch MS was at it again, making me feel like an ass on the phone. I was able to finally spit out my request to have them call it in.

Back to yesterday, as the evening progressed I asked my husband his opinion.  See… I used to have more good days than bad days. These days seems to be the opposite. I asked his opinion. He said “yeah, since this last flare it has changed. But you’re better than you was when the last flare first hit.” I love him, he tried to line that cloud with a silver lining. He’s a good man. So now it appears I was right. There have been more bad days than good.  My memory has been failing miserably so I can’t depend on my own recall of past events. Kind of hard to gauge when you can’t remember things from one moment to the next. How bad does that suck? Pretty bad. I was teary eyed by the time we ended that particular conversation.

The thought of not getting better is unnerving. I’ve alway’s been really good about rehabbing. This last doozy took more than the others. I know I’ll still keep on with the keepin’ on. But I know it’s different than it was. The ever optimist I’ll keep hoping and working towards getting back, but in my heart of hearts I know this is just progression of the disease. I am a realist after all. Still positive, because I have it better than some.

My sweet hubby took off tomorrow so we can go see the blood red super moon. I’m excited. We have plans to go to breakfast and then play golf after viewing the moon. The last time the moon was the way it will be tomorrow was 1866. How freaken cool is that? I admit I’m not sure I can hang on the golf course because I’ve been under the weather but I’ll sure give it a shot. He wouldn’t hold me to it if I didn’t want to.

Hard conversations like the one me and the hubby had are important. If you do anything when having an issue, please reach out to your loved ones and friends so you can get things off of your chest. Even though I wasn’t real happy to have confirmation of my suspicions, I was glad I wasn’t making more of it in my head than it was. It was reassuring to have my hubby to talk to and unload my feelings.

This is a tough disease we need people in our corner. Don’t be embarrassed to tell family or friends of your concerns they can help get us through.

I’m sharing this info so I stay true to my blog. I am not one to sugar coat. I stay positive but I also keep it honest.

So I leave this with saying I’m going to do my level best to have a fun day tomorrow. Life is short, live it and enjoy it. Keep it positive, it will see you through. Tomorrow’s a new day and will be a good one. Today was better than yesterday so it’s feasible tomorrow will be better than today. With the steroids coming tomorrow, who knows, I may be kicking ass and taking numbers within a week 😜