So today folks I’m going to talk about cognitive issues. Cognitive issues suck, because while we look like we’re perfectly fine, our brain tells another story. Hence the term invisible illness. One of my many reasons for doing this blog was to hold on to memories. I always took it for granted because I’ve always had a hell of a memory.
Well with this last flare It’s given me some really serious cognitive issues with memory etc. it’s gotten to the point that I have to either put it in my phone or tell Lance when I take meds as to not take too much. I’ve also pretty much stopped driving because of memory issues. Well that and the crazy leg that at times wants to dance around vs press the gas peddle. So the tricky bitch plays jokes with my memory too.
For instance Lance and I went to my fave BBQ joint a couple of months ago. Any locals reading this will know which one I mean because they’re the only ones with chicken sauce. I love that stuff, if I could figure out how to make it I’d put it on everything! So we get there, take a seat, the waitress comes up to us. She has a big smile beaming at me and say’s ” Hey Alex how ya been, I hadn’t seen you in forever?” At this point I’m like what the hell? Where do I know this lady from? I could tell she saw the look of confusion on my face. I tried to play it off, but I could tell she wasn’t buying it. I felt terrible, I wasn’t sure if I should ask how her family was or any of the normal questions you ask someone that you know.
I have prided myself on having a good memory. I remember when I was selling cars, I always remembered my customers, their cars as well as their family. When doing police dispatch I always remembered the problem people, what their issues were and if they was known to be violent etc. Now I couldn’t even remember this lady. Someone I clearly knew. It was unnerving to say the least and a bit scary.
This would be my main reason for not returning to work. Between that and all of the other issues, I wouldn’t feel safe doing telecommunications at this point. A dispatchers main duty is to be able to send help quickly and keep officers and firefighters safe. I couldn’t risk sending someone to a call and them getting hurt because I forgot something crucial to the call. I couldn’t risk having an emergency and forgetting procedure. You all see those dispatchers on the news. Getting raked over the coals for doing something wrong and someone getting hurt. That was not going to be me! I couldn’t live with myself knowing I caused someone to be hurt.
I know most of you reading this are saying, it’s just a brain fart Alex. Well it’s not. While we all forget things from time to time this was different. I could tell that day at the BBQ joint something was terribly amiss. I didn’t say anything to the hubby. I knew he would say the same thing, that it happens to everybody. So I kept it to myself and took the wait and see approach. Well the wait and see proved me right, my memory card was completely full. I need to back up my system.
For the most part some of my long term is still in tact, I still remember my kids births, the death of my Da and the death of my husband Bob with such clarity it still brings tears to my eyes. My short term memory is absolutely worthless. I can watch a movie with Lance and forget we ever saw it. I can take meds and forget that too, That gets a little tricky as I do not want to God forbid O.D one day.
I know this is very frustrating to my family, they tell me things and I completely forget. These days when they tell me something I just say… remind me of this conversation later because you know I’ll forget. It’s ok though I did my time as the keeper of all the important things to remind my family of in the past. Now they can remind me. I still have some pretty awesome memories and some really funny ones that I think about to give myself a chuckle. On the flip side of that, if I do forget something please don’t think ill of me. It’s not due to lack of caring, my memory card is filled to capacity.
So with all of that being out there in the wind, I’ll say this blog is a diary of sorts. I want to be able t read this in years to come and say WOW that was a great day or damn I got through all if that?
So yesterday was a decent day in regards to pain. It wasn’t great but it wasn’t horrible either. It’s a smidge warmer so I can move without looking like my joints need to be lubed. I went tanning with my sonny boy and actually went to the store with the hubby. It was just the dreaded Walmart, but I went. I hadn’t been out of the house at all for two full days. While Walmart isn’t the best place to go, it’s if anything a place to go for entertainment.
Later in the day one of my duckies really pissed me off. I won’t name which one was the perp but lets just say he isn’t that grown and I’m not that feeble. He asked me for something, I went out of my way to look for it for him and he had the audacity to get snotty with me. I may be a tiny little lady but anyone that knows how Hispanic mommas are knows that we’ll flip the bitch switch in a hurry. I don’t deal well with snotty young people, I don’t take it from mine or anyone else’s. Respect is HUGE in my eyes and I’ll be damned if I have some drippy nosed kid getting sassy with me.
My sweet little Duckie flipped my switch. I got very ugly really fast. His response was I’m sorry mom I was kidding. Well that sense of humor doesn’t fly with me as he soon found out. We’re not on the same playing field. I’m the mom and he’s the child. I let him know this and that no matter how old he is not to think I’ll be joked with like that. I am after all the matriarch of my little family.
Kids today or I should say young people (as he is well over 18) have lost that fine line somewhere. They seem to think that because they are legally grown that they can say whatever and it should be accepted. This is not the case! I let him know that this way of thinking could get his ass kicked in a hurry. I let him know that his father would have flipped his shit too given the same snotty response. I know I dared not talk to my father snotty because he would have cleaned my clock. But then I grew up in a different time. Even though my sonny boy is approx 6ft 2 and about 200 lbs I’m still the HBIC!
My question is… when did we lose this way of thinking? Mind you he didn’t say anything terrible, it was more of a sassy response. Why did this piss me off so bad? I think it stems from my upbringing. My dad was 50 when I was born so needless to say I was raised very old school. At no time did I think my dad and I was on the same playing field. He was Da and knew all things. It was good, the line in the sand was drawn and I did not cross it. He apologized and we made up. I’m regretful for turning into a screaming loon but sometimes thats what it takes to be heard. After all I wouldn’t be Alex if I didn’t flip my bitch switch from time to time.
With my hand starting to have tremors I’ll end this entry with, today is a good day filled with endless possibilities. Lets make it a good one. Happy Tuesdays folks