I start this entry with Flight or fight because I remember when first dx’d with MS I had the urge to run.
I’m not sure if everyone else gets this feeling when faced with the fear involved with the whole MS diagnosis, but I damn sure did.
I remember laying in my bed with a panic feeling in my belly. Thinking hmm how can I get out of this shit I find myself in? My body was breaking down and I had nowhere to run. I was stuck like chuck and fucked.
Since then I’ve found myself feeling this way on occasion. Trying to plan what my next move was. There’s really no plan to be made when dealing with something so unreliable. My body has shown me time and time again it can’t be depended on to carry out simple tasks that I want it to.
The other night I was sleeping, I rarely sleep well so I’m thankful for the time I was in a deep enough sleep to actually dream. The dream I had consisted of Lance and I walking through a maze that was made from boxwood bushes. I was leading the way because I’m a bossy bitch even in-my sleep.
In the dream the bushes was well over our heads and a very tight fit and over grown. We had been walking a long way and I was very tired, my legs was about to give out. We got to one area that was too tight for even me to squeeze through. In the dream I was in panic mode because I couldn’t make my way through and didn’t have the strength to head back the way we came.
This is much like how I feel in my day to day I suppose. Trapped in a failing body with nowhere to go. No way back the way I came.
This would be the reason so many of us MSers deal with anxiety. We’re trapped and not able to find a way out. Just picture it let’s say for instance you’re car is broke down and you have no way of getting help. No mechanic to help and you can’t get back home. This is much like I feel when dealing with dr’s they can’t fix me so I’m stuck like Chuck. No way back to the healthy Al, my comfy place, my healthy reliable body I could push and push and still worked for me.
I’m assuming this is where this dream came from. I hadn’t had any real relief since the last huge debilitating flare last February. I put on my happy face, hair and make up as usual, but I can’t get back to the place I was before that last really big flare.
This is as they call it natural progression. I am of course aiming to rehab but it’s definitely getting harder to do.
So with this in mind I have to give it to God like I have time and time again. I remember laying in bed when first dx’d praying and crying with pure dread in the pit of my tummy. Prayer comforted me then and will comfort me now.
I know a lot of people say sending prayer 🙏 or do that little emoji thing on fb and don’t actually take the time to say a prayer. When I say that I legit mean I’m praying for you. I stop what I’m doing and say a little prayer. I believe people think just saying sending prayers is enough, it’s not. Taking the time to say an actual prayer for someone is a gift from you to them. Take the time to actually do it rather than just saying you did.
So with all of that I end this with saying if you’re saying you’re doing it, please actually do it. Don’t be a phony bologna. Happy Tuesday folks. Let’s make it a good one🌈