I blogged earlier regarding my hellish day yesterday and the night before. I wrote about what a rough go it was and that I’m feeling better. Go team Alex!
What I neglected to write about was how I laid in bed for a small part of yesterday and cried because I was miserable in this broken body of mine. I’m not generally a miserable person. I’m more the glass is half full kind of gal. But in all honesty it upset me more than I let on. I was very upset about not being able to go out with my boy. As you all know I rarely go out and about so I was very much looking forward to a day out with my kid.
If I do anything with this blog I hope it’s to relay a clear picture of my drunken looking walk with this illness. I do not in any way want to put on a facade. Sometimes things go terribly awry and can really mind fuck you. Yesterday was proof of the screwing MS can give.
So I felt somewhat better. I was thankful and looking forward to a decent day. Nothing crazy just a shower, brush teeth. Blah, blah, blah. You know normal personal hygiene stuff. I was very weak and dizzy this morning, but felt I could pull it off. I’m assuming it was in part due to the amount of meds in my system.
So I asked my son to “do me a fav and listen for me while I’m in the shower in case I fall or pass out”. Both of which didn’t happen. Thank God. I would have been mortified if my kid had to rescue my naked ass from the shower.
While in the shower I was able to wash with both hands. Progress!!!!Hell to the yeah!!!! While in the shower I was super dizzy and nauseas. Almost to the point of vomiting.
I got done in the shower started to dry off. Stumbling a little I braced myself against the shower wall and started crying. I admit at the moment I felt a bit defeated. I Was crying from deep within. Crying because this shit gets old. Crying because I’m frustrated, crying because yesterday was overwhelming. I was sure to keep quiet so my boy didn’t hear. If he had heard me crying he would have rushed in, in a panic thinking I was hurt. The only thing hurt was my positive way of being and my pride.
I wrote this because I think we all need to realize it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be overwhelmed. It’s ok to feel like this shit is just unbearable at times. At times it truly is.
I have a lot of friends and family who say I’m strong or a tough cookie for dealing with things the way I do. I think maybe I put on a front when I say I’m a G or I’m gangsta. I can be pretty durable, rough around the edges and pretty outspoken. But to say I don’t have times that I’ve cried my eyes out would not be honest. It also would be doing a disservice to act like I’m doing anything new or different than anyone else. Anyone with a chronic illness has a hell of a struggle. If not visible than internal.
My point to all of this is I didn’t want to put on a front. If anything I want to be true to the honesty of this blog. I want to give a clear and honest picture of what goes on at times.
If that changes anyone’s opinion of me I have no idea. Nor do I care. Through the good times or the bad times I’m still me. I can be a gangsta at times but I can also cry my eyes out. After doing my crying stent in the shower. I semi pulled it together and went about my day. Tired, nauseas and dizzy. On the flip side my arm feels considerably better.
My crying time did the trick. I got it off my chest. So my advice would be if you need to cry, do it. It may make you feel better. It did me. No shame here. We’re all human and we can all use a good cry every now and again.