Under Pressure….

Under pressure, its a good majority of how I felt in life. I have a great family, God knows. But to say I felt under pressure would be putting it mildly. My dad put a lot of pressure on me as well as my sissies. It was hard, I know I felt I could always do better. To say that he was the most awesome dad would be putting it mildly. Not that he was perfect by any means, but he was a great man. He loved his kids like a mom would have, although I had a great step mom or mom as I call her. My dad was a good man. He had his faults, God knows. But he was a great dad.

My Da had high standards, for that I’m thankful; but was he harsh? Yes, he was very much so. I remember getting poor grades on occasion and the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Now I know that was anxiety. Anxiety from feeling less than. Feeling I should have done better.  I remember his disappointment in me. It was crushing to me. He was a huge influence. He was very smart and very much a go getter. I had a high standard to live up to.

I remember my Da had a bring your kid to work day with the MTA.  It was great! I went to work with him, I was about 8 years old. We went and met his co-workers. The look of pride on his face when he introduced me was fantastic. He was so proud of me, it made my heart swell with pride. He brought me to his area where he worked and tried to explain what he did. In all honesty I didn’t get it. He was, of course, trying to explain it to me in technical terms, which I didn’t get. I again asked; Da but what do you do? He told me, he and several other men held up the train so other men could work on it. Silly enough I bought it. It sounded plausible at the time. In my eyes he was the strongest man ever. He was my Da, 10 ft tall and bullet proof, of course he could lift a train.

We left and went to lunch, it was a great day. He said ” Sandy (that’s what he called me) what do you want to do when you grow up?” I said ” I want to be a lawyer ” he said that’s a very good job, you will do very good.” Probably because I can be very argumentative.

I remember watching this video as a teen and thinking I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I remember watching this and identifying completely with this video. I didn’t have any real pressures the only ones I had was fitting in socially and my da’s expectations. Now looking back I hate the stress I put upon myself.

My da wound up putting money aside for my eduction to become a lawyer. I remember him proudly showing me his bank book telling me ” this is for you, to go to school”. I have to say it was quite a bit of money that my Da worked really hard for. Did I become one? No, I didn’t. I wound up having two wonderful boys that would make him really proud. What I myself became was a pretty damn good mom, wife and woman as a whole. Do I wish I had done what I told him to make my Da proud? Absolutely, he would have been super stoked about it. I wound up continuing his legacy by making two awesome young men.

My Da wound up moving to Florida and I was for the most part his caregiver. He had Alzheimers and was quite the hellion at times. We got very close and I came to understand a lot of his ways of thinking. He wound up telling me a lot of his life and a lot of the reason he thought the way he did. I’m really grateful we had that time.

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When I wound up sick my dear old Da told me I didn’t get it (MS) from his side, and that I got it from my Ma. That hurt more than I could say. Yet another disappointment to him. Even though it hurt me more than I can relay, I get it. He was from different era. A time where being sick was shunned. He didn’t want to think my illness came from his genes. I get it, it still hurt, but I understood his thought process.

My Da was a HUGE influence on me as, is my mom (Lee), who is still in my life to this day. I know at the end of the day I make my Da and my mom proud of me being a good momma and person as a whole. Sometimes the pressure we put upon ourselves in senseless. I put so much pressure and wasted so much time worrying I wasn’t living up to expectations. Ya know what folks? I did live up to everything and everyone. I raised great kids and did a little good in the world at times, and for that I’m proud.

The pressures continued, with my boys, with life, with work, it’s always continued over the years. They probably always will.  My point is the pressures of yesterday wind up being memories. Some good some not so good, point being the pressures of today will pass. Do the best you can, and you’ll always be a success.. Whatever you do give 100%

If anything, I hope my boys know they have always lived up to my expectations and have always made me proud.

Author: mswithmsalex

A funny gals take on the ups and downs of dealing with MS. The stuff people don't like to talk about. The hilarious situations I've found myself in. I hope this brings laughter to a disease that isn't very humorous

4 thoughts on “Under Pressure….”

  1. Alex, you are a beautiful and amazing person inside and out! Thank you for sharing this and I understand way too much about anxiety and pressures. My father was not part of my life, ever and my mother had a ton of her own issues that I pride myself to never follow. I learned far too much about what not to do from my mother. I will NEVER drink and drive and never do drugs, like she has.
    I am more than certain your boys know with all their hearts they are living up to your expectations. I also firmly believe they are the amazing boys they are because of their wonderful and strong mother! They are who they are because of how incredible you are!! I know you are proud of them, but you should be proud of yourself as well!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are the sweetest. Thank you so much. I am thankful my dad was the person he was if anything he gave me moxy. Lol. That moxy has gotten me through time and time again. The life lessons we learn good or bad are still life lessons that shape us. I’m sure my kids have a couple of stories of growing up with a hellion mom, and that’s ok because it’s shaped them❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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