As most of you know I’ve been feeling halfway decent. Still deal with spasms but not near as intense as they have been in the past. I have been working out, eating healthy, gardening and the occasional golf game.
I have been feeling human. Go team Alex!!! This team Alex consists of many different characters. I have my hubby and kids. My bestie Jan and my group https://www.facebook.com/510741944. Then I have my imaginary cheer squad that cheers me on in my head. Just kidding I’m not completely crazy. I do have to say team Alex gets me through some tough times.
Here lately life’s been pretty damn good as far as pain goes, so I shouldn’t complain or worry.
I have been dealing with urinary issues and have visited my urologist several times over the past couple of weeks. Originally the dr thought I may need an implant to help me empty my bladder. I went for a Urodynamic test. That test showed that my bladder was working. It also showed that I do have to use my stomach muscles to urinate and still do not empty completely. It was also noted that I have a small bladder as well as a small urethra. The game plan is they’re going to stretch/dilate my urethra. The dr said even with an implant it may become ineffective as my MS progressed. I didn’t think having the implant put in and have to have it removed if the time came to where it didn’t work. So that’s the game plan. Stretching my urethra is less invasive. It seems like a no brainer for me to go this route.
Back to my original thought. I should be on top of the world right now. Feeling pretty good. Doing the things I love like working in the yard etc. Instead I’ve had this nagging fear. This fear is sitting in the back of my head. I keep worrying that winter will come and I’ll be bed bound yet again like last winter. Last winter was horribly painful. The cold was deep in my bones and the spasms had been out of control and overwhelming. I remember thinking and saying several times ” I just don’t know how much more of this shit I can stand”. I admit it has been sitting very heavy on my heart and mind, it’s stealing a little of the joy I should be experiencing with the good weather.
I hadn’t spoken to my kids or hubby about it because they’d think me foolish for not just enjoying the moment while it lasts. This is the cold hard facts of MS we never know what tomorrow will bring. It’s legit to be scared of having to relive a bad moment in time when you have a debilitating disease. I did speak to one of my dear friends Melissa about it. I’ve known her since my teen years, we went to school together. She knows me prior to being sick. She also suffers with MS and handles it like a champ. She got it, she understood where I was coming from completely. She told me she too worries at times that she’ll have to relive painful moments given all she’s been through. It was great to get this concern of mine off of my chest. I appreciate her friendship more than she knows.
When asked for advice with an overwhelming issue I always say “give it to God” I think it’s high time I follow my own advice and just give it to God. I need to get this nagging monkey off my back and let God handle it. I need to live in the moment and not fear the future. All I’m doing right now is short changing myself and worrying about what might be. For all I know this coming winter might not be so bad.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the mommas reading this and wish everyone a happy healthy and safe weekend.