I titled this as such because here lately that’s how I’ve been feeling. Not sad, not mad, not depressed. Just kind of in the shadows watching. Watching me, watching my family and watching my friends.
Sorry Ive been a bad blogger but if the truth be known I hadn’t had a lot to say.
I’ve been very, very tired. I hadn’t felt very present in anything. Kind of just there, tired and weak. Still the chipper lunatic, laughing and joking on occasion but not really there. This probably won’t make sense to anyone but me, but that’s how it’s been.
My sissy and my Neice came to visit YAY I love them so much! As excited as I was to see them I was too exhausted to do much of anything. I felt terrible for not being able to go and do as I usually do.
So I felt like a slacker. Am I a slacker? No! Not by any means. I had some type of upper respiratory thing going on. Congestion etc. I remember just a couple of years ago being a bit MSy after being sick with a crud but these days it’s on a whole new level.
Things change. Change scares me. I hate to be a punk but these days I feel like I’m petering out more and more. The level of tired is changing. I’m not going to pretend this doesn’t scare me.
The winter is painful and the summer heat drains me. Apparently fall and early Spring are the only short times my MS is manageable. This leaves a very brief time for actual living. I love those times.
Throughout the good or bad times I smile through it. There are so many other hard times in life . The illness of a loved one ( been there and trust me it’s worse). Worse illnesses than MS etc.
But to shortchange the devastating effects of MS would be ignorant AF. It’s hard and it’s ugly. I go and I do as much as I can. The other day my husband had a mandatory graduation he had to attend. I of course being the dutiful wife went. Was I tired and anxious my legs would give out? Yes I was very worried. But I went sick AF and tired as could be. We went so he wasn’t made to feel he wasn’t fulfilling his contractual obligations.
None the less during my sissies visit and the graduation I felt in the shadows walking through life as an observer rather than a participant.
I went to my neuro today he didn’t have a lot to say besides all that I’m feeling is natural progression. Love this guy. He’s not trying to push anything down my throat and still keeping a positive outlook.
I know it’s silly but I halfway thought this summer would be different than last summer. It’s not, if anything it’s harder. But I’m dealing and will continue to deal.
God is still good and I’m still a happy camper. I just need to get out of the shadows more.