The very real fear of natural progression

I’m pretty sure we can all agree we MSers fear progression. The thought/fear that we don’t know what tomorrow brings is valid. We really do not know from day to day what we’ll be able to do in the coming days.

This has been a real issue in the past couple of weeks. I should give a little history. The week before last I had a massive headache. I blamed allergies in hopes that it was just that. Lance was sick with a sinus infection and as silly as it sounds that’s what I was hoping was going on with me. I mean a sinus issue or allergies is way better than having a new issue with a chronic illness. In my defense I did have a ton of phlegm

I ate allergy meds like it was going out of style in hopes to feel better. I was dealing and by golly I was adamant it wasn’t going to be an MS issue. I admit I kind of knew it wasn’t a sinus issue but I was trying to will it to be the case. Lol it felt like my head was unusually heavy, that and I had a couple of really intense aspirating incidents. This is stupid and do not attempt this, as it does not work. You can’t will something into fruition when dealing with health issues.

I admit some of my thinking came from me just being tired of going to the dr. I feel like I spend way too much time at dr. visits. It gets old and frustrating. They can’t really do anything so why bother?

My sweet son Jake went out of town and called me religiously to check if I was ok. The day he left I was bedridden and he was nervous about leaving with me so sick. I told him to go and have a good time. There really isn’t anything anyone could really do for me so why shouldn’t he go?

During one of the many calls I told him I was going to the neuro and he said “mom let them put you in the hospital”. He knows I HATE the hospital and will refuse going.

I hate to admit I became a bit agitated on the phone with him, telling him to “mind his own”. While I know he was worried because I was alone while Lance was at work, it made me feel like I was being treated like a child. He said “but mom if you’re in the hospital you have nurses and dr’s with you 24/7.”

He didn’t realize THAT was the problem. They take blood constantly and are in and out of your room causing a patient not to get any rest. I knew I needed rest and not constant sleep interruptions.

Now in hindsight I see I could have gotten something to help with the pain by going to the dr sooner. I wound up getting spasms in between my shoulder blades along with a stabbing pain when I turned my neck. Nothing helped. I was taking my MMJ as well as baclofen and tramadol every 8 hrs. Still nothing helped. I was at my wits end. Finally after 3 days of barely moving I decided to go to the neuro. He took one look at me, listened to my symptoms, gave me a Demerol shot and told me I needed an MRI.

He’s a great Dr that doesn’t pressure me so I took him seriously. If he had told me I needed to go to the hospital I would have. He’s not one to order an MRI or give meds just for shits and giggles. I know he is truly looking out for my best interest. He is wanting to see if there are any changes or new lesions or if this is just natural progression.

I had a dear friend Ella-kate ask me which I would prefer new lesions or natural progression. She’s newly diagnosed and is trying to figure out how to do the MS dance. She’s doing well at figuring out her bodies limitations with her MS.

My answer to her was I’d rather new lesions rather than natural progression because new lesions could possibly calm down and get back to the normal I’ve grown accustomed to. Rather than progression of the disease which would mean I’ll always be like this, in severe pain, bedridden, feeling like death.

Not that either of those is a good option, I’m still thinking new lesions is the way to go.The Demerol helped a bit, that and all of my other meds are helping, so we’ll see.

I hadn’t been to the gym, but will when I feel up to it, if I feel up to it. I’m going to try and listen to my body, which is always hard for me. I’ll attempt to anyway.

I wound up apologizing to my baby Jake for my shit attitude. I admit it gets tiring trying to explain to someone (even our closest family members) what emotions we go through when feeling poorly. He doesn’t get how stressful it is when something new presents. Does he understand the level of anxiety I go through when feeling bad? No he doesn’t and I hope he never does.

Still feeling poorly but better than I was. So today is better than yesterday and I’m hoping tomorrow is better than today. I’m going to do my level best to make the most out of my holiday weekend. I’m going to take my nephew to lunch for his bday and then rest.

I do want to report my group is back to being informative and supportive, like I had intended from the beginning. I’ve had to cut some loose to get back on track, but we’re there. My group checked on me and showed so much love while I’ve been feeling rough. I invite you all to join us. https://www.facebook.com/510741944/posts/10155473710111945/

Author: mswithmsalex

A funny gals take on the ups and downs of dealing with MS. The stuff people don't like to talk about. The hilarious situations I've found myself in. I hope this brings laughter to a disease that isn't very humorous

15 thoughts on “The very real fear of natural progression”

      1. I was hoping to see Grace this month she was supposed to go somewhere in Pensacola. But then she hurt her foot and needed surgery so had to cancel. It would be such a hoot to meet up with you guys. Maybe one day

        Liked by 2 people

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