Mourning yourself….. So in one of my groups a fellow MSer posted the meme above. I answered it by saying. “I miss her, she was a fun gal” while I don’t usually speak in the third person and find it pretty freaken annoying when people do it. The reason I did it wasn’t to be annoying (I don’t think so anyway). But because the person I miss actually seems like a whole other person. No I hadn’t lost my shit (I dont think so anyway) this person … the person I used to be truly seems like another person from the person I am today. I was a very, very different person. I could work, I could clean, cook like a chef. At least that’s what everyone said. I was a porn star in the sack ( probably just in my head lol ). These days I had to rest and rest a lot. Still a porn star though according to Lance. I get dizzy if I’m up too long. On the rare occasions I have gotten out to the golf course, I use my clubs as a cane. Waddle on out and make my shot, and hope I don’t topple over. The good thing is most people drink while playing. I don’t drink, but if I did topple over people would just think I was drunk. Do I give a shit? Absolutely not. I have gotten to the point in my life popular opinion means nothing to me. Even that (golf) has gotten harder and harder to do. These days I’m doing good to shower, rest, and do a couple of small tasks. While I’m not complaining I can still do more than some, and there are people with a lot worse situations than mine. There are other MSers that suffer worse than me. There’s hunger in the world, parents that lose their children on and on. So I’m pretty damn lucky. I do though mourn the old me. It’s kind of hard to understand unless you’ve been there. I used to think back to getting up and working in the yard from 6 am til 10-11pm. It was great. Bob and I enjoyed way too many days working in the yard. I missed that as I much as I missed Bob. Now I miss being able to get up shower and go about my day until night time. Now I wake, hope for a good day to get something small accomplished in between rest periods. . No I’m not negative. It is what it is. But to say things have changed drastically would be an understatement. Mind you I still keep my family laughing because I’m a funny gal and like making them chuckle. It’s important to laugh in life and by golly I’m going to laugh and keep my family laughing as well. Not looking for pity here just stating the facts as they are these days. I’m known for saying “I could run circles around people mentally” even being crippled hasn’t kept me from that! The new normal is different and a bit uncomfortable because it’s different from what I’m used to. But I’m getting there slowly but surely. So yes I miss her, she was a fun gal. But this new girl (not necessarily improved) is entertaining as well.