Mourning yourself…..


So in one of my groups a fellow MSer posted the meme above. I answered it by saying. “I miss her, she was a fun gal” while I don’t usually speak in the third person and find it pretty freaken annoying when people do it.
The reason I did it wasn’t to be annoying (I don’t think so anyway). But because the person I miss actually seems like a whole other person.  No I hadn’t lost my shit (I dont think so anyway) this person … the person I used to be truly seems like another person from the person I am today.
I was a very, very different person. I could work, I could clean, cook like a chef. At least that’s what everyone said.  I was a porn star in the sack ( probably just in my own head lol ). These days I had to rest and rest a lot. Still a porn star though according to Lance.
I get dizzy if I’m up too long, I’m nauseas( from pain), which is one of the reasons I’m so thin.  Don’t envy the skinny girl she may be sick.  Ive always been a skinny Minnie but now I’m skinny because of illness.

On the rare occasions I have gotten out to the golf course, I use my clubs as a cane. I waddle on out and make my shot, and hope I don’t topple over. The good thing is most people drink while playing. I don’t drink any more , but if I did topple over people would just think I was drunk.  Do I give a shit? Absolutely freaken not. I have gotten to the point in my life popular opinion means nothing to me.

Even that (golf) has gotten harder and harder to do, it’s become a rarity.  These days I’m doing good to shower, rest, and do a couple of small tasks. While I’m not complaining I can still do more than some, and there are people with a lot worse situations than mine. There are other MSers that suffer worse than me. There’s hunger in the world, parents that lose their children on and on. So I’m pretty damn lucky.
I do though mourn the old me. It’s kind of hard to understand unless you’ve been there. I used to think back to getting up and working in the yard from 6 am til 10-11pm. It was great!  Bob and I enjoyed way too many days working in the yard. We was weekend warriors. We worked all week and played all weekend.  I miss that as I much as I miss Bob.
Now I miss being able to get up shower and go about my day until night time. Now I wake, hope for a good day to get something small accomplished in between rest periods. .
No I’m not negative. It is what it is. But to say things have changed drastically would be an understatement.Mind you, I still keep my family laughing because I’m a funny gal and like making them chuckle.  It’s important to laugh in life and by golly I’m going to laugh and keep my family laughing as well.
Not looking for pity here just stating the facts as they are these days. I’m known for saying “I could run circles around most, its just mentally vs. physically.” Even being crippled hasn’t kept me from that!
The new normal is different and a bit uncomfortable because it’s different from what I’m used to. But I’m getting there slowly but surely.
So yes, I miss her, she was a fun gal. But this new girl (not necessarily improved physically) is entertaining as well.

The advice I give others struggling with this mourning process is to get it out, Blog, therapy, whatever works for you. I’ve touched on this in the past with family. I could tell they didn’t really get it. Thats ok, its not for them to get and I hope they never do. But to unload this burden is helpful.  Just like giving burdens to God is helpful.  Venting and getting these feelings off your chest is beneficial to people struggling with illness as well as the healthy ones. Always be accepting of the new you, life changes and we’re all a work in progress. Be thankful for another day to be able to do something good. It may be a struggle but it’s a gift.

If anything I can be grateful to MS for, it’s the time it’s given me for self reflection. I do believe I’m a better person because of this time to reflect on the person I want to put out to the world. Don’t get me wrong I’m still a snarky asshole, but I do try and do something to help others every day by writing my blog.  Hopefully I’ll help others with my take on my experiences with MS.  A while ago I was told by a dear friend that I’m an inspiration to people whether I see it or not.  I hope I can be an inspiration for self improvement. We can all use a little work.