And life goes on…..

As I lay here in my hotel room, I think, I think about how I miss my home. It was a never ending work in progress as it was an older home. As much as I would get frustrated about the different things I wanted to do to the house, I loved it.

I admit I’m mourning my home. Is that even a thing? If it is I hadn’t heard of it.

I said to Lance I’m ready to go home, pitch a tent in the yard and go from there. He is not going along with the plan. His area of concern is me getting sicker due to the stress of it all.

During all of this I have had several instances with blurred vision, drop foot and weakness in both hands. I hadn’t really talked about it in this blog or FB. I hadn’t even really talked to my kids, poor Lance has had to hear it all, he’s patient and tells me we’ll get through. I have to admit, I’m even tired of hearing my fucking complaints, but he holds steady. I suppose he has to have stellar patients since he does deal with students on the regular.

I’m going to concentrate on putting good things in the air. Positive things happen to positive people and all that jazz.

After all what would it accomplish? I still have tremendous faith that there’s a reason for all of this and that we’ll be ok.

I know I’ve thought dealing with MS was humbling. Just an FYI having everything you ever had torn from you is even more humbling.

I’ve had so many people reach out offering aSsistance. I love them all for being there for my crazy little family. If anything this experience has renewed my faith in my fellow man. I’ve seen it first hand.

I used the pic above because it’s in my kitchen a couple of days prior to the storm hitting. Back when things were normal and life was good. I have faith it will be good again, we just have to keep going forward.

Displacement and disability

Displacement while being disabled is a truly frightening place to find ones self. I am desperately trying to cling to my glass is half full way of being, but truth be known I’m struggling to find the silver lining in this quandary I find myself in.

I was telling the hubby I can’t believe this is happening to us. Homeless at 47 and 57, not that being homeless at any age is a good go, but sick and older make for an overwhelming situation.

Later in the day we went to Davids house, ya know the house that was in a flood zone? The one I was begging him to leave before something horrible happened? Well lemme tell ya, that town house was in stellar condition with the exception of a minor leak and a tree that fell in front of the front door. We could still make entry it was more of an inconvenience if anything.

We got inside and set up the dog kennels and got everyone situated with their food and water.

Have I told you all about how awesome my pets are? They are the most adaptable animals ever, they’re even keeled and well trained. even my goofy cat acted accordingly.

I had seen Jake several times, him his best friend Ray and Rays mom made it over the the house before we left for David’s. Seeing all of them made me feel better about Jake, knowing he was with them was comforting if anything.

Although the power was out at David, Chase and Jesse Lynn’s house and we had no internet or phone, their house was at that point right up there with the Waldorf Astoria.

You don’t realize what a luxury it is to be in a sound structure with roof over your head. The night before we slept in the cars, parked in my driveway with all 3 dogs and the cat. Needless to say a wet wipe bath, brushing our teeth and laying in an actual bed felt like we were walking in tall cotton.

I slept…..I slept like the dead.

my family was safe and I was feeling blessed. Hard times make for a major appreciation of each and every thing we take for granted.

While everyone sleeps, I write. Anxiety getting the better of me. I’m an A type personality. Not being in control is unnerving at best.

I tried sleeping but was Jostled awake in a panic, thinking I was going to die.

I know, it was an irrational fear, but the mind after dealing with such a horrifying experience is usually left on high alert, regardless if its rational or not.

I stressed and worried about money as well as my pups. Hamm hasn’t been feeling his best. Panting and acting like something is caught in his lungs. It’s worrisome as you all know I worry about them like I do about my boys.

I wrote the first portion of this on the 12th. Today it is the 23rd. I’m still very anxious and still clinging to hope. Hamm is doing better and is breathing well. I’m thankful.

Lance,I and 2 of my 3 pups and my cat are in Mobile Al. I can’t really complain, we have A/C, electric, clean water and the fine folks at Drury hotels are taking very good care of us.

Lance and I grabbed a burger at Ruby Tuesday’s today for lunch and as I sat there thinking how lucky we are that we lived through that. I looked at my hubby with tear filled eyes and broke down crying. I hate to admit I punked out and cried. Thinking about how bad I just wanted to go home. Nerve pain was stupid today and all I wanted was to crawl into MY bed, in MY house.

I have so many people telling me how brave I am, I’m not. I cried like a little baby wanting her blanket. I wanted the safety and security my home offered when pain set in. Unfortunately that wasn’t in Gods plan any more. I know I’ll find another source of comfort when pain gets stupid. I’m not looking for pity at all. Just stating how unnerving uncertainty is when dealing with pain and or disability.

I know we’ll make it through of course , because we’re resilient and have many people in our corner. I just have to say it’s more than uncomfortable being displaced and being disabled.

Please keep the prayers coming and thanks for reading. Tomorrow’s a new day and filled with possibilities.

Loss..emotional, monetary it’s all hard.

Well you all know my house went belly up with hurricane Michael. Apparently that jerk felt the need to ruin so many lives.

So many lives lost, so many homes lost, jobs lost as well.

While I’m feeling so blessed my kids,hubby and pets made it through without injury I have to say losing my house hurt my soul.

My house held so many memories. Raising my kids, losing my husband etc.

I had one woman say well I guess it’s just time to move on. Like really lady???! My response was “NO I’d rather have my home that I’ve had for years.” The gall of her flippant attitude about my home flew all over me.

This wasn’t anyone I had known for any length of time so in her defense she didn’t have a clue. To me it was almost an insult. My home wasn’t anything fantastic, but it was fantastic because all that it held.

With having to put my old boy Wiggles down and then dealing with this, it just made me anxious because it was like I was moving away from everything good I had experienced over many years. I felt like my past was quickly disappearing.

I’m hoping it all turns out great, but to say it’s scary is putting it mildly.

So many have said it’s “just things” . It’s not just things. It’s part of who I am.

So now me and the hubby are in a pretty nice hotel. Far outside of the area of impact. Hopefully I can handle my Ins and fema business without having to drive 2-2 1/2 hrs to have a signal. Verizon sucks!!!

We have our pups and cat in tow with the exception of Mr.Sampson. He was really scared of having a muzzle on. He’s an anxious little guy, who’s been through a lot lately. I left him with my boy David, David is my go-to. If I ask, he always steps up. It also helps that Sampson thinks David hung the moon. They’re pretty tight.

I’m going to end this with a HUGE thank you for all the prayers, thoughts and good ju-ju.

Have no fear folks my family will rock this like we have rocked all the other hard times we’ve had.

Love you all thanks for reading ❤️

Life is still good and God is still great, every single day!

Keeping a semblance of normalcy during very abnormal times

So this was me the other day under my beat to hell carport applying make up. Am I crazy? Maybe. Am I that vain? Not at all.

This was my coping technique. I sat there waiting for someone to come look at my crumbling home. I was attempting to carry on like always, if anything it occupied my mind for a moment with some level of normalcy. Things are very,very NOT normal for my little family. If we are anything we are durable in times of trouble.

With our backs up against the wall we come together and push through.

I’ve had numerous people reach out to me, telling me how impressed they are with my resilience. I’m going to let you all in on a little secret. I’m not that resilient, I just have a will to live and an appreciation for whatever I have. No matter how big or small it’s all a gift.

Several days after the hurricane hit I received a call from an old friend from my car selling days. Old Lester called to check on me. That meant a lot, he’s a good guy and has been a dear friend for many, many years.

While talking to my bud he tells me one of our friends from the dealership killed himself. I have to say it breaks my heart to hear news like this. He was a really sweet man.

I have to say even when you think you’re going through it, there’s someone out there having a harder time than you. The thought that this sweet man was so despondent that he took his own life is sadder than any natural disaster ever could be. My thoughts and prayers go out to his family, that kind of tragedy is heartbreaking. I’m sure his family is devastated.

So my thoughts on this are take a moment to look at your situation, really look at it from another angle. There’s always so much worse out there, so much more pain and so much more suffering.

With all of that I’m going to end this with talking about something a little lighter. Lance and I came home to find our front door wide open. There were deputies doing traffic control in front of my house, so I asked them to clear the residence before we made entry. They did and did not mind at all. I thanked them for their svc to this community. They were an out of town agency. The amount is support we’ve received from agencies as far away as Canada (linemen) has been tremendous.

There have been so many putting their own lives on hold, leaving their families to come help us in Panama City. I’ll always back the blue, green and red, as well as other agencies that assisted us in our time of need.

Thank you to all that has taken the time to help, there aren’t words enough to thank everyone. To the asshole that made entry to my house you’re lucky my dogs weren’t  there, they’d have chewed you up and spit you out. May you burn in Hell for all eternity, taking this time to loot is really horrible. The big guy sees all and they will pay eventually!!!!

Unexpected kindness

I just have to dedicate a blog to the people that have shown me how blessed I truly am.

As you all know hurricane Michael battered Panama City proper. Usually hurricanes come in to our beach. Not this time it came barreling towards us making landfall in Mexico beach, traveling through town.

This particular one was especially devastating to the area. No one had  thought it would get as serious as it did. Long story short, we got spanked, even as prepared as we think we are, we wasn’t.

The level of devastation was uncharted territory for this lovely little town. Homes were leveled, lives were lost and we were all left in a daze. I know I was left feeling like I had went 9 rounds in the ring. On top of being shaken up by the storm I was dealing with horrible cog fog. My left leg went numb and my hands are so weak I can’t open a bottle of water unassisted. My grip is gone and my legs pure shake when walking.

With all of this going on it’s pretty hard to stay positive. I will say that a gal could really get into a funk if not careful. In times like these it helps to have an awesome group of friends. My childhood girlfriend Maria started a gofund me account for me. I was shocked at the response it got.  People I hadn’t seen or talked to since my teenage years came through, friends from my MS support group Sofaking sick and tired of MS came through. One of my friends Kirsten did a live feed on my group page singing ” in the eyes of the angel” it was beautiful and touched my heart. My sissy wired me money. My sons friends offered me their homes. The amount of love and support is incredible. The community came together to help each other. I can’t describe how this touched my heart and soul.

Anyone that knows me knows I’m a very proud woman and not one to ask for help, but in this particular circumstance it was nice to have friends and family that didn’t wait for me to ask but jumped in and did. They looked out for me so selflessly. I’m still amazed and in awe at the kindness I’ve been shown.

With that I’ll end this with thank you all for being there for me. I’m honored to have such wonderful people in my corner.

And yes I’m tattered and beat to hell but I still got my cheesy ass smile going. Thanks for bringing a smile to this tired old gals face. It’s appreciated more that I can relay

Dealing with the aftermath

Well folks hurricane Michael kicked our ever lovin’ asses. This event was by far the most horrifying thing I’ve ever experienced. My hubby said it was scarier than war (he was a Marine in his younger years), a statement like that really brings home the gravity of the situation, I know it did for me.

After everything passed we sat in our cars, made brief trips into what used to be our home to collect important items. My boy being every bit as sentimental as myself went back in for the photo albums. Lance and I made trips in to use the bathroom and grab belongings that we would need to get through when we get a hotel room.

While walking through the wreckage that was our home brought many, many tears to my already swollen eyes. So many questions filling my head, like are we going to rebuild? Should we call it a day and rent or is it salvageable?

My neighbor Ken came over took a look around and said it was a total loss. Ken works with Insurance companies and has many years experience in rehabbing properties. I was glad he shot from the hip.

Now at least I have some direction without holding out useless hope. I still don’t know where to begin with this whole process, but I’ll make a go of it. First thing is to call the insurance co after we get a hold of our families.

Cell reception is a no-go, we’re positive both our families are sick with worry. Lance received a txt from his daughter Marci. She was panicked because she couldn’t get a hold of him. We both felt terrible he couldn’t respond. My phone wasn’t receiving any type of signal.

I had promised my mom I’d call her as soon as it was over, but was unable. To top it off her 87th birthday is on 10/12. I never miss the chance to call her to wish her the best of birthdays. I’m pretty sure last year was the first and only time since she became my mom that I’ve missed a birthday. That was only because I was really sick and my MS was kicking my butt. I just know she’ll be waiting for my call, and worrying.

My mom and my sissy are the two I’m desperate to get a hold of. I know if I can get a hold of them they’ll get a hold of everyone else.

As the day progressed and alerts came through about a mandatory curfew, I thought to myself. How the hell are we getting alerts about a curfew and boil water notices and not able to call our families?

With trees and power lines down it was painfully evident that we couldn’t go anywhere. We couldn’t go in the house for any length of time because of water everywhere and the ceiling falling in.

We opted to just sit in our cars with the pets, we really didn’t opt but had no other choice. Our neighbor Ken and his wife came over with sandwiches and chips for us. We were thankful for their generosity. They really are the kindest people. Those are not the neighbors I’m referencing when I say I hate my neighbors. 😂

As we sat in our cars and night fell upon us the reality of everything set in. We are essentially homeless at this point. I was so afraid to go back in the house after dark I wound up having to pee in my front yard. Had I been able to go to the side yard I would have, but that’s where the majority of our roof landed. Between my cane and leaning against the car I was able to hold myself up for a moment to urinate without wetting my clothes.

As I squatted and leaned on the car to urinate I had to chuckle to myself. I pride myself on being well put together and behaving somewhat like a lady. These extraordinary events pulled any pride I had in me out. I was taken down a notch pissing in my front yard. It was dark so I don’t think anyone saw, but to be honest I really didn’t care.

While the evening progressed and I was able to breath again with the storm passing nerve pain set in at an unbelievable level. Nerve pain can really throw you for a loop, it feels as though my skin pure hurts. Not like flu-like skin hurting but worse.

There was no sleep to be had for this gal. The pain is mind boggling and every time I started to drift off I was startled awake with the irrational thought that I would die as I slept. I wound up getting a total of about 1/2 hr sleep. David slept in his car and Lance was able to get a couple of hours, I sat there thinking about how lucky we had been to escape unharmed.

So now my hubby is going to feed the pups, who by the way have been excellent animals. They went with the flow the whole way through. I’m a proud pet momma.

The sun is rising and we have the gift of another day. I’m tired and in pain, but still thankful, and yes God is good every day. I’ll say it til my dying day.

I’m going to leave everyone with a thought, be thankful for everything and everyone in your life. They’re a gift and can be taken away at any moment. My husband and boys have been spared and if that isn’t the best gift ever, I don’t know what is.

Thanks for reading the ramblings of a tired old gal ❤️