Sassy or just short tempered?

Sometimes I just have to wonder. I wonder if it’s me that’s out of step or the rest of society. In all honesty this could be the case. I’ve always been a different bird to which I’m very ok with. I don’t necessarily want to be an average joe. I don’t want to fit my round peg into the square hole. I like being me, silly and squirrelly hot tempered Álex.

I’m fairly certain I’ve been a different bird since birth. When I was a teen I tried to fit in. It seemed like the thing to do, now I look back and see it as time wasted. Now I’m comfortable in my own skin and really LIKe me.

I’ve been called mean. I’ve been called harsh and critical. I’ve also been called crazy AF. I don’t really think I’m mean or crazy AF or harsh and critical. I’d give someone the shirt off of my back. What I don’t do is I don’t suffer fools gladly. That’s just me. I call em as I see em and make no apologies.

Well on with my day. Lance is off for summer and I love it. He’s home with me and we’re picturing what it will be like when he’s retired. Just four short years and we’ll be living the dream. I can’t wait!

I went to the gym with my eldest David and did pretty good. A good MS day. Thank God for that! Seeing my boy always lifts my spirits. He’s the best gym buddy ever. He’s super positive and not overbearing. It was great! The MS God’s were smiling upon me today.

Later in the day I had a gyno appointment. I got there 10 min early, because I’m super conscious of being on time. In my opinion being on time or early is something of yesteryear. People these days feel it’s ok to be 5-10 min late for everything. This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. It’s a total lack of respect to be late to anything.

Why is this a thing of the past? I don’t get it I know I’m different, but when did it become socially acceptable to just not give a shit about other people’s time?

I’m sorry but the traffic was heavy is NOT an excuse to me. I respect everyone’s time and expect the same in return.

So I get to my gyno walk up to the receptionist to check in. I tell the receptionist I was there to see Dr Jones at which time the receptionist tells me she’s running late. She went on to say Dr Jones is just now seeing her 1:40 appointment.

I was floored. It’s was 2:50 how in the hell is she running that behind? I told the receptionist I am absolutely not waiting that long to see her. There was no way in hell I’m going to wait an hour for a pre op appointment. I was very annoyed, how do people stay In business when they’re running their show like that?

Years ago I remember going to the gyno ( same group of gyno different dr) the receptionist told me it was going to be a wait because she was running behind schedule. My response was when you folks get your scheduling together give me a call. Because my time is worth money too.

Needless to say they called and apologized. I understand having a fluke issue and running behind but I’m also aware that dr offices over book patients. I’m not going to play the sit and wait game for anyone.

I left and felt ok about it. I later got a call that they could do the appointment the day of surgery. Interesting to say the least. So why in the hell did I have to go in the first place? The thought that they would have had me wait to see her when they could do the exam the day of surgery really pisses me off.

Absolutely NO respect for their patients time. I would have been sitting there like a fool had I not had the gumption to call their bluff.

I hate I had to show my ass at the gyno but sometimes a little sass is in order. Although I’m not quite sure if it’s sass or just being bitchy. Either way I’m ok with it. 😉

My point to this whole rant was to plead with anyone and everyone to respect other people’s time. It doesn’t matter if you’re a dr, a teacher or flipping burgers a BK please for the love of everything good respect other people’s time!

This is one of the things that has gotten lost in the shuffle. This, a good work ethic as well as plain old respect. I’m sick and I’m tired there’s no good reason to leave someone waiting when they’re already in a struggle.

I’m going to climb off of my soap box now and wish you all a good night and a happy Monday. Sorry if I was a bit long winded with my rant. Pretty sure tomorrow will be even better that today. God willing that is😊

Self pity….A bottomless pit of shit

Yesterday was a really great day. Went to the gym, I kicked ass and took numbers. I finished the day with a trip to the dentist to have a filling replace.

Today wasn’t that great a day. Went to the gym and petered out like a punk. I posted on FB about feeling puny today and ended it with me calling it a win for team Al. I didn’t do much but I went so that is still a win in my book.

I admit I didn’t really feel like I won but I ended my statement on a positive note. I truly believe any day we wake is a gift. Even the not so great days are a blessing.

Wound up going home and getting back in my Jammie’s to rest . It’s ok, we can have those days. I’m not in the least bit looking for pity when I post such things. That’s one of the reasons I always end things on a high note.

The pity party is destructive and damaging to the person as well as those around them. I’ve come to notice some actually feed off of the pity they collect. Not me, I freaken hate it. I always say “don’t feel bad for me I’m doing more than most able bodied people”. I say this because I really am doing better than most. Maybe not physically, but I think my head is in a good place. With the exception of my sometimes dark and twisted sense of humor.

I believe some of my aversion to this way of doing stems from being so prideful. I am a very proud and possibly harsh woman . I was raised to never quit and to push through no matter what. I’ve always been of the thinking that I don’t need anyone because I have my own back. While these days I’m a lot slower and do need the help of family more than I am 💯 percent comfortable with. I begrudgingly accept the help given when needed.

While scrolling through FB I saw several posts in a group that really unnerved me. One woman was complaining about how her grown kids still have their belongings at her house. She posted a pic of clothes etc strewn about her house. Really? She was complaining because it was a huge mess and they won’t help her clean it up.

While reading all I could think was come on lady why would you ask advice about this . Her kids don’t live there and won’t help go through it to sort it out. So she took to FB to complain instead of figuring out a solution to her problem. Granted if she’s bedridden she couldn’t do it herself. What she could do instead of posting about it on FB would be to call around to different organizations to see about assistance with getting rid of the stuff her kids apparently no longer wanted

My opinion was she was wanting everyone to say oh jeez I’m so sorry and bash her kids and ex for not helping. My advice was throw a bag or two away weekly. I also went on to say that she allowed this behavior and what she allows is what will continue.

I don’t think this woman was really wanting advice, but wanting to stir up a pity party.

Why complain about a situation you can change, but choose not to? A HUGE pet peeve of mine is when someone complains but does nothing to improve their situation.

I may be harsh but I don’t sugar coat and do not stroke people that are  looking for a pity party. This is just feeding the BS and I will not be a party to such nonsense.

Earlier in the day I saw another woman asking how she is going to survive SPMS.

I told her to try and stay positive and stress free. Ya know kind of the same way she was surviving RRMS? I know it’s quite a blow to be had but it is doable.

Is it fun? No it sucks royally but we’ve been given the gift of life and we need to appreciate every single day.

I really don’t understand why people wallow in self pity. Maybe they get a charge out of people commenting on how sorry they are for their issues. Regardless it’s a poison to get started in this way of thinking.

While some revel in it being pitied I find it uncomfortable which leads me to acting awkward because I find it so very unnerving.

I write this blog as an outlet as well as to educate, NOT to be pitied. Don’t pity me I’m still the HBIC. There are much worse situations than mine. Let’s be grateful for the things we have and not dwell in being sad sacks. If anything those around you will hold you in high regard and possibly be inspired by your will to overcome challenges.

Standing in the shadows

I titled this as such because here lately that’s how I’ve been feeling. Not sad, not mad, not depressed. Just kind of in the shadows watching. Watching me, watching my family and watching my friends.

Sorry Ive been a bad blogger but if the truth be known I hadn’t had a lot to say.

I’ve been very, very tired. I hadn’t felt very present in anything. Kind of just there, tired and weak. Still the chipper lunatic, laughing and joking on occasion but not really there. This probably won’t make sense to anyone but me, but that’s how it’s been.

My sissy and my Neice came to visit YAY I love them so much! As excited as I was to see them I was too exhausted to do much of anything. I felt terrible for not being able to go and do as I usually do.

So I felt like a slacker. Am I a slacker? No! Not by any means. I had some type of upper respiratory thing going on. Congestion etc. I remember just a couple of years ago being a bit MSy after being sick with a crud but these days it’s on a whole new level.

Things change. Change scares me. I hate to be a punk but these days I feel like I’m petering out more and more. The level of tired is changing. I’m not going to pretend this doesn’t scare me.

The winter is painful and the summer heat drains me. Apparently fall and early Spring are the only short times my MS is manageable. This leaves a very brief time for actual living. I love those times.

Throughout the good or bad times I smile through it. There are so many other hard times in life . The illness of a loved one ( been there and trust me it’s worse). Worse illnesses than MS etc.

But to shortchange the devastating effects of MS would be ignorant AF. It’s hard and it’s ugly. I go and I do as much as I can. The other day my husband had a mandatory graduation he had to attend. I of course being the dutiful wife went. Was I tired and anxious my legs would give out? Yes I was very worried. But I went sick AF and tired as could be. We went so he wasn’t made to feel he wasn’t fulfilling his contractual obligations.

None the less during my sissies visit and the graduation I felt in the shadows walking through life as an observer rather than a participant.

I went to my neuro today he didn’t have a lot to say besides all that I’m feeling is natural progression. Love this guy. He’s not trying to push anything down my throat and still keeping a positive outlook.

I know it’s silly but I halfway thought this summer would be different than last summer. It’s not, if anything it’s harder. But I’m dealing and will continue to deal.

God is still good and I’m still a happy camper. I just need to get out of the shadows more.

Irrational fear, the unknown and MS

As most of you know I’ve been feeling halfway decent. Still deal with spasms but not near as intense as they have been in the past. I have been working out, eating healthy, gardening and the occasional golf game.

I have been feeling human. Go team Alex!!! This team Alex consists of many different characters. I have my hubby and kids. My bestie Jan and my group https://www.facebook.com/510741944. Then I have my imaginary cheer squad that cheers me on in my head. Just kidding I’m not completely crazy. I do have to say team Alex gets me through some tough times.

Here lately life’s been pretty damn good as far as pain goes, so I shouldn’t complain or worry.

I have been dealing with urinary issues and have visited my urologist several times over the past couple of weeks. Originally the dr thought I may need an implant to help me empty my bladder. I went for a Urodynamic test. That test showed that my bladder was working. It also showed that I do have to use my stomach muscles to urinate and still do not empty completely. It was also noted that I have a small bladder as well as a small urethra. The game plan is they’re going to stretch/dilate my urethra. The dr said even with an implant it may become ineffective as my MS progressed. I didn’t think having the implant put in and have to have it removed if the time came to where it didn’t work. So that’s the game plan. Stretching my urethra is less invasive. It seems like a no brainer for me to go this route.

Back to my original thought. I should be on top of the world right now. Feeling pretty good. Doing the things I love like working in the yard etc. Instead I’ve had this nagging fear. This fear is sitting in the back of my head. I keep worrying that winter will come and I’ll be bed bound yet again like last winter. Last winter was horribly painful. The cold was deep in my bones and the spasms had been out of control and overwhelming. I remember thinking and saying several times ” I just don’t know how much more of this shit I can stand”. I admit it has been sitting very heavy on my heart and mind, it’s stealing a little of the joy I should be experiencing with the good weather.

I hadn’t spoken to my kids or hubby about it because they’d think me foolish for not just enjoying the moment while it lasts. This is the cold hard facts of MS we never know what tomorrow will bring. It’s legit to be scared of having to relive a bad moment in time when you have a debilitating disease. I did speak to one of my dear friends Melissa about it. I’ve known her since my teen years, we went to school together. She knows me prior to being sick. She also suffers with MS and handles it like a champ. She got it, she understood where I was coming from completely. She told me she too worries at times that she’ll have to relive painful moments given all she’s been through. It was great to get this concern of mine off of my chest. I appreciate her friendship more than she knows.

When asked for advice with an overwhelming issue I always say “give it to God” I think it’s high time I follow my own advice and just give it to God. I need to get this nagging monkey off my back and let God handle it. I need to live in the moment and not fear the future. All I’m doing right now is short changing myself and worrying about what might be. For all I know this coming winter might not be so bad.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mommas reading this and wish everyone a happy healthy and safe weekend.

Faking wellness

I titled this as such because I have been known to pretend really,really well.

It all started last week. One of my husbands co-workers stopped by the house. She was not invited and did not give prior notice.

This is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. If me or my hubby are in the yard it does not mean we’re up for company, rather just in our yard.

But being this lady is a co-worker I held my tongue. This task is very hard for me as you all know. She pulled up and got out of her car. Hamm and Sampson were as shocked as Lance and I.

Hamm starts barking letting her know she made a big mistake and Sampson being the big goof runs up and starts jumping on her. What did I do? I called Hamm away but that was all the assistance I was willing to render. Lance eventually got Sampson to stop jumping on her. I asked Lance to kennel Sampson inside. He did, while he was away she comes over to say hi.

I’m cordial but annoyed. I said hi how are you! etc. She then goes on to tell me she’s so sorry. She had the most mournful look on her face. Kind of like I had recently had a death in the family.

Me being me said “what are you so sorry about?” She says I’ve heard you’ve been having health issues. While it was very sweet of her to offer her condolences regarding my failing health, it pissed me off beyond belief. My response was “don’t feel sorry for me I’m more able bodied than most healthy people”. She then fumbled over her words. I then interjected and said “I’ve had this a long time and am pretty damn durable. No need to feel sorry for me”. I don’t think she was insulted by my curt response, at least I hope not.

I really hate that people feel the need to be up in my business. I went on to tell my hubby I sure hope you’re not making out like I’m on deaths doorstep because I’m not. He said he didn’t and really didn’t know where she was getting her info.

Enough of that little annoyance.

I started my membership at the gym and have been doing pretty good. Nothing nuts, but feel I’m doing good and making progress getting back some muscle.

At that gym there are all walks of life. It’s not a bunch of models or guys out of muscle magazines. Just normal average joes/janes. There is big,small,tall and short. There’s one guy that is blind. He has a guide dog and trainer and seems to be doing well. What does this do for me? It makes me feel like my cane is no big deal.

Yesterday I did my little workout and at one point a lady said to me. You look good, what do you do? How long have you been working out here? I told her I recently joined. She said “wow what do you eat?” I said veggies, a lot of veggies. Which is true. I do eat a ton of veggies.

What I didn’t tell her was that I don’t eat a lot because nausea keeps me from wanting to eat. Remember when I said don’t envy the skinny girl she may be sick? Never envy anyone, you don’t know their struggles. I didn’t bother telling her I had MS,  I wanted to be normal for a bit. I usually try to educate people, but after the whole uninvited guest the other day I just couldn’t deal with another pity look I just knew she’d give.

I may or may not tell the her truth if I see her again. I may just keep it to myself. I am an advocate for us MSers. I do try to educate people. But damn it was nice not to be the sick lady in the room.

Working out is going well. I really appreciate my son getting me that membership. Had he not I wouldn’t have spent the money, only because I wouldn’t want to waste the money if I couldn’t go.

But since he did, I know I’ll be more apt to use it so he wouldn’t have wasted the money. He paid a year in advance so I am going to make the most of the year ahead. God willing I’ll rejoin next year. Still trying to get my footing and into the habit of going. It’s a process, and I’m determined to if anything give it 💯

Happy Friday folks, make it a good one and have a great weekend.

Under Pressure….

Under pressure, its a good majority of how I felt in life. I have a great family, God knows. But to say I felt under pressure would be putting it mildly. My dad put a lot of pressure on me as well as my sissies. It was hard, I know I felt I could always do better. To say that he was the most awesome dad would be putting it mildly. Not that he was perfect by any means, but he was a great man. He loved his kids like a mom would have, although I had a great step mom or mom as I call her. My dad was a good man. He had his faults, God knows. But he was a great dad.

My Da had high standards, for that I’m thankful; but was he harsh? Yes, he was very much so. I remember getting poor grades on occasion and the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Now I know that was anxiety. Anxiety from feeling less than. Feeling I should have done better.  I remember his disappointment in me. It was crushing to me. He was a huge influence. He was very smart and very much a go getter. I had a high standard to live up to.

I remember my Da had a bring your kid to work day with the MTA.  It was great! I went to work with him, I was about 8 years old. We went and met his co-workers. The look of pride on his face when he introduced me was fantastic. He was so proud of me, it made my heart swell with pride. He brought me to his area where he worked and tried to explain what he did. In all honesty I didn’t get it. He was, of course, trying to explain it to me in technical terms, which I didn’t get. I again asked; Da but what do you do? He told me, he and several other men held up the train so other men could work on it. Silly enough I bought it. It sounded plausible at the time. In my eyes he was the strongest man ever. He was my Da, 10 ft tall and bullet proof, of course he could lift a train.

We left and went to lunch, it was a great day. He said ” Sandy (that’s what he called me) what do you want to do when you grow up?” I said ” I want to be a lawyer ” he said that’s a very good job, you will do very good.” Probably because I can be very argumentative.

I remember watching this video as a teen and thinking I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I remember watching this and identifying completely with this video. I didn’t have any real pressures the only ones I had was fitting in socially and my da’s expectations. Now looking back I hate the stress I put upon myself.

My da wound up putting money aside for my eduction to become a lawyer. I remember him proudly showing me his bank book telling me ” this is for you, to go to school”. I have to say it was quite a bit of money that my Da worked really hard for. Did I become one? No, I didn’t. I wound up having two wonderful boys that would make him really proud. What I myself became was a pretty damn good mom, wife and woman as a whole. Do I wish I had done what I told him to make my Da proud? Absolutely, he would have been super stoked about it. I wound up continuing his legacy by making two awesome young men.

My Da wound up moving to Florida and I was for the most part his caregiver. He had Alzheimers and was quite the hellion at times. We got very close and I came to understand a lot of his ways of thinking. He wound up telling me a lot of his life and a lot of the reason he thought the way he did. I’m really grateful we had that time.

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When I wound up sick my dear old Da told me I didn’t get it (MS) from his side, and that I got it from my Ma. That hurt more than I could say. Yet another disappointment to him. Even though it hurt me more than I can relay, I get it. He was from different era. A time where being sick was shunned. He didn’t want to think my illness came from his genes. I get it, it still hurt, but I understood his thought process.

My Da was a HUGE influence on me as, is my mom (Lee), who is still in my life to this day. I know at the end of the day I make my Da and my mom proud of me being a good momma and person as a whole. Sometimes the pressure we put upon ourselves in senseless. I put so much pressure and wasted so much time worrying I wasn’t living up to expectations. Ya know what folks? I did live up to everything and everyone. I raised great kids and did a little good in the world at times, and for that I’m proud.

The pressures continued, with my boys, with life, with work, it’s always continued over the years. They probably always will.  My point is the pressures of yesterday wind up being memories. Some good some not so good, point being the pressures of today will pass. Do the best you can, and you’ll always be a success.. Whatever you do give 100%

If anything, I hope my boys know they have always lived up to my expectations and have always made me proud.

Pumping yourself up mentally and why it’s important.

As I lay in bed contemplating life and all of its idiosyncrasies, I think to myself am I going to let this day slip by my like yesterday did? Hell no, If anything I’m going to try.

Yesterday was a bit rough, but I got through. I laid in bed most of the day and didn’t do squat. I was never one of those people that could rest easily. Now I find it a have to, on more days than I care to think about.

I remember back before I progressed. I remember getting up for work and thinking damn this shit has GOT to get better. I was able to pump myself up mentally and get my ass out the door for work.

Well it didn’t get better. If anything it got worse. I’m not complaining because this is par for the course for some MSers. Did I think it would happen to me? Absolutely freaken NOT! I thought I was 10ft tall and bullet proof. Unfortunately my body had another plan. The plan was I would progress to the point I had to leave work and have to rest more than do productive things.

I’ve always been really good about psyching myself up to conquer certain goals. Thankfully I’m still good at this little mind trick of mine. These days I find I have to psych myself up to do little things. I literally pump myself up mentally to shower or vacuum the house.

Even fun things take a pumping up like getting in my yard to garden or play a round of golf with the hubby.

Today I’m going to pump myself up to go to the gym. I cancelled with my son yesterday because I just couldn’t manage. Today I WILL manage as best I can. He’ll be patient as he always is. Thankfully my kids have a realistic grasp on most of my limitations. Every now and again one of them will come out with something silly and I’ll have to break it down for them.

This gets a bit old, but how can they really understand the full scope of how my body feels? They can’t and that’s ok. I don’t mind explaining to them.

People don’t generally get it. Even other MSers sometimes don’t get it because they’re not dealing with the same issues. I admit I too was one of these people. I would look at people and think….damn they just gave up. Well I can vouch for those people at this point. At no time have I given up, but my body isn’t complying at this point. There are days all the mind tricks just don’t work.

The point I’m poorly trying to convey is you don’t know until you know. Now I know. So I’m going to pump myself up and attempt to do the gym thing. I’ll let you all know how it turns out.

Happy Friday folks let’s keep it positive.